Tree and orgy

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Perhaps the image of a dwarf-sized intruder seemed less threatening than a Chris Farley-sized version, but we're pretty sure we'd be more likely to piss our pants if an overly jolly costumed dwarf magically appeared and started hopping around our living room floor. Add me to the weekly newsletter. Who knows, maybe years from now Santa's sleigh will be towed by Energizer Bunnies, long after society has forgotten what an "Energizer" is. Without him, when little Timmy runs down the stairs this Christmas the only present he would find would be the gift of human sacrifice. Trees, rocks, mountains, funny shaped sticks that look like phalluses, whatever. From December 17 until December 23, tomfoolery and pagan hijinks ensued, and by hijinks we mean gluttonous feasting, drunkenness, gambling and public nudity. How dare you put a hat on your slave head! Not surprisingly, most of the world has rejected his weird-ass version and over the years we've cobbled together our own Santa Claus: part Saint Nikolas, part Sinterklaas and part Norse god Odin. It's the Christmas tree, you lazy bastard.

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